As we sit here on May 3rd, the weather outside is similar to the Twins...much colder than it should be. I haven't taken a ton of time to chime in about the Twins since the opening week, because they haven't put much effort in to making me (and the fans) happy. It's time to start viewing my dedication as a fan of the Minnesota Twins, as a love affair. Maybe I need to make the first move...you know, like someone does when taking that next step in a relationship. But I'm not looking for some make out action while watching Ben Affleck's finest acting role in Armageddon, I need more.

Maybe it's not a love affiar...it's more of a marriage. It's more than 3rd or 4th date with someone, while trying to get some action. This marriage needs a spark. What's the answer? Role playing? A vacation? Renewing our vows? I don't think it has to be that drastic...but bare with me here, as I'm going to take this lame analogy pretty deep.

The Twins are sexy...not gorgeous...but sexy. They have the tools and attributes to be more than a trophy wife who appears hot, but is a raging biotch on the inside (that would be the Mets). Players, stadium, what used to be "team chemistry"...it's there. But as soon as you think you've got it all, tension starts to happen and we begin to fight. No effort, not listening to each other, checking out early as one of us goes to play PlayStation and the other watchers awful reality TV (aka the Twins being out of the game by the 3rd inning)...even violent rages. It's time we fix this funk before it steamrolls in to one of us "looking else where" for happiness (I really really really don't want to cheer for the Royals or Indians).

Ideas:

Role Playing - How about one of us (the Twins) dresses up like one of the Yankees and tries to hit home runs rather than move runners over. If that means more strikeouts, so be it...but the reward once it happens will be terrific. (PS, the safe-word is "TK")

Vacation - Normal people use this as a way to spice things up...we aren't doing that, we don't have enough time and I burn easily. Bad idea.

Renewing our vows - This is more for desperate times, and I don't think we're there yet. If we finish the season below 60 wins...we can start prospecting resorts in the Caribbean.

Date night - YES! This is what we need to start with! How about you dress up all skanky and show some effort tonight (as in, Liriano pitches through the 7th with 2 ER or less AND the offense puts some runs on the board) and I'll look for a nice restaurant to make a reservation at. If you're lucky, we might have fun...flirt...and then drink some adult beverages and see where the night takes us. If you play your cards right (and win the series from the White Sox), maybe you'll have a surprise waiting for you on the bed later that night............we'll see.

And yes, I encourage you to call your hot friends (Yankees, Red Sox, Rangers, Phillies, Rockies, Cardinals...etc) and ask them how bad they'd want me if you walked away...you know they do, and that'll make you appreciate me...the fan(s)...a little more. Don't make me invite one of them to join us...I'd prefer not to do that (unless you're open to that...)

(Aaaannnndddd scene)

Ok, that might have been a little weird...but you know what? It was different and AT LEAST I'M TRYING. I'm challenging the Twins to do SOMETHING. Start working out and trim the fat/edges a little (release Casilla and bring up Plouffe). Lets see how much better that'll make you feel. Once you get back to taking care of yourself (Delmon, Mauer healthy plus Morneau getting back to where he was),  I'll be more willing to show you off to everyone. The effort is there on my end from here on out...but is it going to be there from the Twins? We'll see. 

Lesson to be learned here: Act like you give a rip...it makes you more attractive and less depressing. 

Love,

Every Twins fan in the world 

**just to be clear, I was not comparing this anaolgy to my personal life, nor anyone elses. It wasn't meant to harm anyone or be offensive...it's humor (or lack there of)** 

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